Monday, June 29, 2015

Express yourself

Lets Talk about Communication!!!


Learning to Express Oneself More Openly
I had the opportunity to use this technique or I should say practice this technique on my fiancĂ©e. I have been learning a lot about him and even about myself recently and this activity has actually helped me to be more open with him about some of the things I am feeling. I am a very shy person. I love to talk when I feel comfortable but I hate talking about my feelings. I love listening to his feelings but I hate expressing my own. I realized that it is not fair for him to not know how I feel.  I have for the past 3 days since Monday have been aware of trying to open up more and tell him more about the things I am feeling. Yesterday I actually was having a very stressful day with school. He knew something was wrong and asked me if I was ok. I first said” Yes everything is great”. “I am fine”.  Ten minutes later he asked me again. “Are you sure you are ok”. I remembered that I need to be more open and express more of how I am feeling. I finally gave in and expressed some of my emotions. The amazing thing is he just sat there and listened to me. I think something that I learned about myself through this activity and process is that one of the main reasons that I don’t like expressing how I am feeling is because I feel like I am a burden to him. Or I don’t want to seem like I am baby or that I am emotional. But I realized that he loves to know what is wrong. And that he loves to help me and to listen to me because he loves me. That is something that I still need to get over. But I realize the important of opening up and just expressing how I really feel. It is not healthy to me or to him to hold things back until it boils up and it ends in a big explosion. I realized that he wants to help me and he wants to know what is going through my head to help me. I loved this activity and I am going to continue to use it in my life now.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Dreams within our Marriages

Everyone has dreams and aspirations. But in a marriage what if you and your spouses dreams are totally opposite or conflict with each other. This can be a big problem. I think that marriages can go both ways spouses might sacrifice some of their dreams so that their spouse can succeed and then sometimes we are the ones that get our way and let our dreams happen and our spouses dreams fade. How can we stop this and why is it so important that we have dreams.
It is good to know each others dreams in a marriage. We cannot and should not hide them from our spouses. If they mean something to us we should not let that dream fade. Dreams can cause problems if they are hidden and secretly wishing you could have your way. This is a lack of communication. We need to realize that Happy Couples understand that helping each other realize their dreams is one and should be one of the goals of their marriage. (Gottman)
Something that I love that Gottman says in Chapter 10 is "Acknowledging and respecting each others deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage" Wow that is a power statement. We need to respect each others hopes and desires. The key is communication and working together to help both of the couples to fulfill their hopes.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Sexually Intimacy

I realize that this might be a topic that most people like to skip over. I realize that this topic can make people uncomfortable or embarrassed. But do you know that this is one of the most important things that we can have knowledge about and how it can help our marriages grow and be stronger. Yes Sex is not a bad thing. I am currently reading a book called "And they were not Ashamed". It is in a book that explains Sex in marriage in a very respectful and sacred way. And I really appreciate the way they revile important topics. One of the things that I have really learned is that Communication is they key to a happy marriage and a happy sex Life. we have to be able to openly communicate with our spouse the reasons why we feel the way we do. This is what helps build that special and close bond is being able to communicate dislikes and likes.
Lets talk about problems that happen in the sexual lives of married people.
We have to know that Men and Woman are much different in their bodies and how their bodies work and this can cause a problem in how are bodies respond to orgasm. One of the problems might be that men might have shorter responses and woman have longer waiting time and responses. It is important to communicate and help each other. Take time and be patient to help your Wife feel comfortable and able to reach orgasm. Most times Woman feel like objects in Sex because Men hurry and get done what they feel the need to do. while the woman is not usually close to orgasm. We are here to help each other have these feelings.
There are alot of benefits from having Sex within Marriage. You learn a lot about each other. That communication can really bring you closer. It is selfless, sacred, and a powerful way to feel more connected and closer to your spouse and God.
I think its interesting if you look in the scriptures when it talks about Adam and Eve and it says "Adam KNEW Eve and they conceived." That KNEW is Sex. Isn't that amazing to know that we can come to KNOW our spouses on a deeper level when we have sexually intimacy.

I realize that Sex is good and it is made for Husband and Wife to feel close to God in the most sacred and complete way. What a wonderful way that God has made us to share this connection and to give us a way to share our undying love for our spouses. I am grateful for marriage and I am grateful for the way God has made us.

Check out the Book: "And they Were Not Ashamed"

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

A Realistic Marriage

When you think of marriage you think of bliss. Ever since I was a little child I always imagined my prince charming coming in and rescuing me from the evil dragon. And of course the famous saying "And they lived happily ever after". When I think of marriage I think of happiness and I think of having a perfect world, no problems, nothing to worry about. Everything in life will be better. Now I don't want to down play marriage I do believe that marriage is the best thing that could happen to someone. I also believe that marriage is happiness. (not that I have experienced it yet) (So I have heard). But I think sometimes we get a little ahead of ourselves when we think that marriage is perfect. I think that we expect that marriage will be perfect and that life will be bliss with no problems. but lets be real. That is unrealistic. The truth is that it can be happily ever after, of course after much hard work. I think because simply we are not perfect human beings how can we expect our marriages to be perfect. There will be problems and there will be challenges. Marriage is a Refiner's fire. I have the great opportunity to read the book "And They Were Not Ashamed". I am soon to be married and I have taken the challenged to read some of this book. The book is Laura M. Brotherson if anyone is interested in looking it up. She mentions that Marriage is a Refiner's Fire. 
Why is it a Refiners fire? It is a process of taking something old put it through fire, melting it down, and remolding it into something better. This is marriage. Taking our old selves, going through hard processes or purification of our souls through personal growth. In the book there is a quote that makes it make a little more sense. " Marriage draws husbands and wives toward wholeness through their complementary and sometimes conflicting natures.... It is a quest for wholeness of body,mind and spirit." Wow this is remarkable. Working together to become whole and pure. Purifying some of our weaknesses and refining them into a holier being. This is only possible through marriage between a man and a woman. Problems, challenges, trials are given to us both to grow and become the beautiful diamond that we were always meant to be. Isn't that just beautiful. I love this thought. And it helps you realize that Marriage is more than a contract. It is a covenant. ( I will be discussing this topic in my next blog post). 

The next thing I want to mention is the famous verse in Geneis 2:24. The commandment that was given unto Adam about his wife Eve. "A man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh". What a powerful scripture that comes straight from God. It is a commandment from God to cleave unto one another and to become one. It is important to realize that before marriage we think in a egocentric way. A selfish way almost. "I need to" "I want to" My money", "My apartment". "My time". Do we realize that this changes when we get married. There is no ME, I and MY. It becomes what is best for us. What is best for OUR family. This may seem simple in thought but in action it might be harder to accomplish. But with becoming One with our spouses we can be sure that we will learn over time what is best for the relationship. We cant always expect immediate perfection of course. It takes time to grow and learn. We cant become discouraged. I have heard that it is SO WORTH IT. I don't mean to down play marriage. I actually can not wait to be married. But I think its important to be realistic and to be prepared to work through challenges. 
As we become one with our spouses and as we cleave unto one another. We can find assurance that you can get through the hardest challenges you will ever face in your life. I haven't experienced this yet in my own life. But What I do know is that if we keep God in our lives he can help us learn. We can be refined and become perfect one day just like him. 

What is Love

I have been learning so much in my two classes of Family relations and Marriage classes. There are so many things that I would like to address. What is LOVE?
Have you ever thought about what true love is?
I have moments in my life where I thought I loved someone. You know everyone has their high school crush, their first love as most people would say. For me I had this kid in 4th grade stand up on his desk during valentines day and say "I LOVE YOU MARIAH". Squirming in my seat, and turning a little red I sunk down and thought to myself. What does that even mean. Can a 4th grader really know what love is?  Is this real love? 
Good Question. There is probably no doubt that you could have some kind of love for them. We as creatures and children of God have a natural ability to love others. But what I didn't notice is that there are different types of love we can have. 
Their are 4 types of love a person can have... Let me explain.
1: Storge Love: This  is a love that a parent has for their child. A love that will always remain. It is a connection through biological forces. This love never seems to fail no matter how disappointed you can become or even how distant and frustrated you become in your child. 
2: Phillia Love-  This is a love that you have for all of your friends. You know that best friend you have had since preschool and you have been inseparable since. Ya well that is the love that you will always cherish. You share things in common and you share perspective. You genially care for their well-being. You love them in a friendship kind of way. 
3. Eros Love: This is the love that most people connect to Romantic love. The love that has passion and is connected to sexual arousal. You think of all those chick flick movies and you think wow they are in love after knowing each other for 3 days and sleeping with each other. This could be a example of Eros love. But It necessary isn't a bad love it is important to have Eros Love but it is also important that it isn't the only love you have in a relationship. 
4:Agape; This love is  similar to the first love. This is the love that nothing can hinder or change this love. It is the pure love of Christ. This is genuine love. A love that is giving of yourself to others. This is the most powerful love. If we look at the example of Jesus Christ. He loved us so much that he suffered and died for us. 

Now that we have discussed each type of love, can you look at your own personal lives and relationships and connect each type of love to them. What type of Love is in your marriage, with your children or with your friends. I want to take a special look at love in relationships such as marriage. 
I think that all of these types of love should be included into your marriages and families. It is important to consider what Love is lacking and what needs to be kindled. Love can be confusing and sometimes can be misunderstood. 

When I think of love being misunderstood it comes to explain the term "Misattribution of Arousal". Ok so what the heck does this even mean. This is when our differing emotions can produce similar feelings to arousal. Lets use an example. You know the famous show the bachelor. Of course everyone does. All the woman in American watch it every Monday. You see these girls fall in love with the man so very quickly as each of them get to go on dates every week. These are not any ordinary dates. These dates are extravagant and exciting. These settings could cause someone to get excited to create a rush of excitement inside of them. This excitement can sometimes be mistaken as arousal of love. Why do you think sometimes the good girls always go for the bad boys. It is a Rush. It creates some excitement in the body and this can be confused or misunderstood as love. Then you hear on the news that the famous bachelor and the girl he picked break up after the show. Maybe because they were caught in the moment. This is what we need to be careful of when we are deciding what Love is. So What I am really trying to say is don't go on Roller coasters with boys. This might create Misatribution of Arousal.

Here is a good test to see if you have an appropriate attachment or relationship. It is called the RAM test. 
You must KNOW before TRUST
You must TRUST before RELY
You must RELY before COMMIT
and you MUST COMMIT before TOUCH.